


Goodbyes Are Never Easy

by Cartecka



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:25:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartecka/pseuds/Cartecka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on what's going on in Sara's head during the Heir to the Demon episode. If you want a way too detailed analysis of a character's thoughts then this is the fic for you. It also has flashbacks to Sara's time in the League.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Sara looked over at Nyssa, who was sleeping peacefully, wrapped against her side. Sara had been wishing for hours now that she could also drift away but her mind was much too occupied. She had gone out on an assignment that weekend. When she'd entered her mark's residence, he'd been sitting in front of the television with the news on._

_Professionally, as always, she’d slit his throat, but as she had been turning to leave, she'd heard the words 'Starling City’ and she’d turned back to the TV. There, she saw what looked like a warzone but she'd recognized some of the familiar landmarks of the Glades._

_“In a horrific turn of events last week, a large portion of Starling City, known as The Glades, was brought to the ground by an earthquake device. Moira Queen, the CEO of Queen Consolidated, came on live television a short while before the disaster and told the press of her involvement in this plot. The mastermind of this plot was Malcom Merlyn. Merlyn, the CEO of Merlyn Global Group, lost his wife in a robbery gone wrong in the Glades many years ago. While police tried to rescue those in the Glades, Merlyn was apprehended by the vigilante known as The Hood. Around three hundred people lost their lives in the Glades that night and over two thousand were injured. The Mayor of Starling City is calling on all citizens of the city to help one another as they try to recover from this horrible tragedy. More on this story, later.”_

_Sara had stared at the screen as it switched to a commercial. Malcom Merlyn. He had been in the League. Nyssa had told her all about Al Sa-Her. And now he had done this. He had destroyed her city._

_When she’d returned to Nanda Parbat, she had meant to tell Nyssa what she’d seen, but at the last second had decided not to. Now, as she watched her sleep, she knew why. Her subconscious had already been hatching this plan from the moment she’d seen the news program._

_Sara moved carefully, untangling herself from Nyssa and slipping on her clothes as quietly as she could. Using all of the skills she had learned in the last five years, Sara quickly gathered her uniform, bo staff and money reserves and slipped out into the night._


	2. Chapter 2

The moment the cloth fell in front of her, Sara knew who it belonged to and was paralyzed. Had it been anyone else in the League, her bo staff would have already been in her hand, and she would already be attacking, but no… it was not anyone. It was Nyssa who was tumbling down to the ground, gracefully as ever. And it was Nyssa who kneeled on the ground in front of her, dagger in hand, and eyes sharp. It was Nyssa who approached her slowly, as if she knew that Sara would not, could not run.

 

Sara couldn’t move. This was the woman who had held her gently and spoke to her softly after the world had convinced her that softness was not something meant for her. She was also the woman who had devoted her entire life to the League and to the approval of her father. Sara wondered which side of her was the strongest now. Not that it mattered because. She. Could. Not. Move.

 

Nyssa finally reached her, and slipped the hand holding the dagger around her waist and the other up to her cheek pulling her Sara into her as she had so many times before. Sara felt the familiar press of the Nyssa’s buckles, ones that she had undone so many times and something in her melted.

 

She’d been missing something since arriving to Starling. It had felt like an itch she could not scratch, but standing here with Nyssa, it went away. Sara felt her breathing speed up in anticipation as Nyssa brought her lips to Sara’s and started pressing them against hers in an achingly familiar kiss. Sara’s body responded automatically, entering into the dance that they had perfected years before.

 

All of a sudden, Sara came to her senses. She pushed Nyssa away lightly, just enough to dislodge her lips, though Sara could still feel the taller woman’s breath on her face.

 

“I’ve had better greetings,” Nyssa said and hearing her voice almost sent Sara to her knees. That voice was probably the first thing she’d fallen in love with. But, she couldn’t let this happen. She couldn’t let herself get caught up in Nyssa.

 

“I’m sorry…. I just…. I didn’t know what you were going to do,” Sara stuttered back.

 

“To be honest neither did it,” Nyssa said with a gentle smile. She slipped her dagger back into it’s sheath and the small part of Sara that still feared her calmed.

 

“Yeah, we should talk,” Sara said, realizing immediately that that was not what she was supposed to say. It was not enough.

 

“Of course,” Nyssa said, nodding slightly, and then her voice hardened, “Do we need permission for your boyfriend?”

 

Nyssa’s eyes searched Sara’s face briefly before turning to face Oliver, who had at some point ended up behind her.

 

Nyssa straightened her back, raised her chin and narrowed her eyes slightly. Sara immediately feared for Oliver’s life but all Nyssa did was take a couple steps toward him and say, “I am Nyssa. Daughter of Ra’s Al Ghul. Heir to the Demon.”

 

“What are you doing here?” Oliver asked.

 

“Sara swore her allegiance to the League of Assassins. It’s time for her to return home,” Nyssa replied.

 

Sara felt her heart drop at Nyssa’s last word. Home. She’d been so sure it was Starling. She’d been so happy to be on familiar streets and to see her family again, if only from a distance. And then she’d met her father and he’d held her like she was still his little girl and Sara had felt just a little bit forgiven. And at the same time, very, very dirty. She was not longer his little girl. She was drenched in darkness and in blood. She no longer truly belonged here and with Nyssa in front of her, her lips still tingling from their kiss, she was dangerously close to believing that Nyssa was right about the League being home.

 

“That…is not going to happen,” Oliver growled and Sara at once loved him and hated him for that stupid protective streak of his. It was nice that he wanted to her to stay, but at the same time, she could deal with Nyssa on her own, bringing Oliver in would only complicate things.

 

Nyssa shifted her weight. It was a slight movement, but one Sara recognized. Nyssa viewed Oliver as a threat. Moving quickly to save his life before he really pissed Nyssa off, she placed herself between between them and turned to Nyssa.

 

“Nyssa,” she breathed, relishing the name as it left her mouth. “Please, would you give us a moment?”

 

“Take your time,” Nyssa said, a lot more compliant than Sara thought she’d be. “Goodbyes are never easy,” she continued, and Sara tensed, “Is that why I didn’t get one?”

 

Sara's heart stopped for a second. She’d expected anger and rage from Nyssa who, while cool and collected to others, had often been quite emotional towards Sara. She had not expected softly delivered blows that made Sara wish she’d been shot with an arrow instead. Sara wanted to retort, to apologize, to say anything, but the hurt in Nyssa’s eyes dried her throat.

 

Nyssa stepped around her, waiting a short distance away, and Sara closed her eyes pushing back the tears that threatened to fall.

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Sara was floating. She seemed to always be floating. She wondered distantly what boat she had been wrenched from this time. She felt like she should be afraid of boats, since she'd almost drowned twice now._

_This wasn’t so bad though. She wasn’t cold for once and she didn’t feel like the salt from the ocean was trying to invade her body through each and every one of her pores. And whatever piece of wreckage she was floating on was very soft. A canary floated down and landed on her chest, it twittered at her and then flew off and suddenly, Sara didn’t feel like she was floating anymore. She was falling, falling, falling._

_Sara woke up with a gasp and immediately started to cough as her throat was dry and parched._

_“Here,” a soft voice said. “Drink this.”_

_The voice was feminine and vaguely accented, though Sara could not place it. She considered briefly that she wasn’t scared, though with everything she’d been though, she probably had reason to be. A glass of water appeared in Sara’s field of vision and she drank it down quickly._

_“Slow down,” the voice said. "After so long without any sustenance your body will not react favorably if you drink too quickly."_

_Sara reluctantly lowered her glass and finally looked up. Standing at the end of her bed was the most breathtaking woman Sara had ever seen._

_“Where am I? Who are you?” she croaked._

_“You are in Nanda Parbat,” the woman said. “I am Nyssa. I was the one who found you and rescued you.”_

_“Rescued?” Sara said, and suddenly she was hit by a wave of memories._

_She’d drifted away from the Amazo for what felt like days but she was not sure exactly how long it had been before she’d ended up on another one of the islands that made up the chain that Lian Yu was in. She pulled herself ashore, trying to garner the strength to get up and find food and water but her body was too tired and she was too weak. She’d drifted off for who knows how long and had been woken momentarily by someone rolling her over and then picking her up and carrying her gently. She’d been unable to stay awake long enough to find out who it had been._

_“Yes. The island you were on is a common training ground for the League. I was there purely by coincidence when you washed up on the shore,” Nyssa said._

_Sara looked down at herself. She was extremely thin, her hands trembled as they held the glass of water, and her head was pounding._

_“I thought I was going to die,” she whispered and then brought the cup up to her mouth again._

_She thought the other woman hadn’t heard her until she said, “You were lucky that you did not. Though maybe not so lucky that it was me that found you.”_

_Sara felt dread run through her veins. This woman seemed nice enough, but her voice and eyes were colder than Sara wanted to admit and her tone held a lot of foreboding as she uttered that last sentence._

_“What do you mean?” Sara asked._

_“I saved you and brought you here, to Nanda Parbat, and because of that you survived, but Nanda Parbat is not a place one can enter and leave so freely.”_

_Nyssa paused and Sara looked up at her again._

_“Nanda Parbat is the home of the League of Assassins and now that you have entered it’s walls you must either join the League or die.”_

_Sara took another long drink of water. Nyssa seemed surprised that she wasn’t trembling in fear or something but what she did not know was that Sara had drowned twice, become a mad scientist’s assistant, and had seen a man come back from the dead as a super human. Internally, she scoffed. The League of Assassins seemed like a fitting next step in her entirely way too fucked up life._

_“Where do I sign up?” she asked._


	4. Chapter 4

Sara was walking next to Nyssa. The wind blew in their faces and ruffled Nyssa’s hair. It all felt too comfortable because Sara knew that in that instant it would be so easy to go back with her. She had honestly never thought that she’d have to face Nyssa again, much less be walking side by side with her so calmly, looking out over the city that she loved so dearly.

 

“You look different,” Nyssa said and Sara could hear what she meant. She was not who Nyssa had thought she was.

 

“I’m still me,” Sara tried to assure her. Nyssa scoffed.

 

“The Sara I know wouldn’t have betrayed us and fled Nanda Parbat under the cover of darkness.” _Wouldn’t have betrayed me. Wouldn’t have fled our bed._ Sara could hear what Nyssa meant behind each of her words.

 

“I didn’t have a choice,” Sara said, trying to convince herself as much as Nyssa. “The earthquake. I needed to see my family, make sure they were safe.”

 

Sara walked ahead as if she could walk away from what she knew Nyssa would say next.

 

“And so they are. Now come home,” Nyssa said. It was a plea, one filled with love and heartbreak and betrayal. For a second, Sara considered saying okay and going, but as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she felt nauseous. She turned to face Nyssa.

 

“I can’t. Look, I can’t go back Nyssa,” Sara said. She’d known from the start that her reason for leaving Nanda Parbat had not only been her family, but it was only once she’d arrived in Starling and seen Oliver and what he was trying to do that it had become clear to her. “I don’t have much of a soul left in me, but what there is, it can’t take the killing anymore.”

 

“You swore an oath,” Nyssa said. “My father sends me here to make sure you honor it. One way or another.”

 

Sara looked at her boots. She knew a threat when she heard one. Nyssa was either to bring her home or to kill her. There were no other options. Sara looked back up at Nyssa. There was so much concern in the dark-haired woman’s eyes. She was silently begging, pleading, asking with her whole heart for Sara to come with her. But they were also filled with love.

 

“We both know the real reason why you came here,” Sara said. 

 

Nyssa looked startled for a second, as if it was only occurring to her now as well, but then looked at her boots sadly. She smiled slightly as if remembering something nice and then slid her hands down Sara’s arms to intertwine their fingers. Sara tried not to think about how nice it felt and how her heart still jumped at Nyssa’s touch. Nyssa did not look at Sara, instead choosing to focus her attention on their hands.

 

“When I found you,” Nyssa said. “You were starving and alone simply waiting to die.”

 

She looked up and Sara searched her face, trying to see where she was going with that. Nyssa gently and so very tenderly brushed some of Sara’s hair out of her face.

 

“The League took you in, nursed you back to health. The only reason you’re alive today is because of me,” Nyssa said and for a second Sara wasn’t sure she was actually hearing what she was hearing. She’d always known that Nyssa had her insecurities around her, but she thought she’d made her feelings abundantly clear.

 

“Hey,” Sara said softly, “I wasn’t with you because you saved me. I was with you because I loved you.”

 

The moment the words slipped through her lips, Sara realized her mistake. Nyssa looked at her sadly. She smiled but Sara could see the tears building up in her eyes. Nyssa took a step back.

 

“But not anymore,” she said in barely a whisper.

 

Sara considered taking it back, telling her the truth, telling her she still loved her, but realized that if she did, Nyssa would never let her leave. Nyssa scoffed and Sara could practically feel the anger and irritation slipping into the assassin’s body. Sara realized she only had a quick chance to ask Nyssa what she needed to ask before the woman pulled away from her entirely.

 

“Ra’s listens to you and you can ask him to release me.”

 

Sara hated the excitement that crept into her voice. She knew as well as anyone that he would not listen, but it was worth a shot. Nyssa scoffed again.

 

“My father has never released anyone from the League,” she said with a strange mixture of annoyed laughter and desperate tears in her voice.

 

 “He released Malcom Merlyn,” Sara said, hoping the conviction in her voice would make the retort sound less stupid than it was.

 

“An action that he and the citizens of this city dearly regret,” Nyssa shot back, knowing that Sara was just grasping at straws.

 

Sara was suddenly struck, as she had often been before by the woman in front of her. While usually Nyssa’s anger was directed at places other than her, Sara always found the way the woman’s eyes flashed and the way she imperiously raised her chin extremely attractive. She reach up to brushed aside Nyssa’s hair and cupped her cheek. Nyssa’s face softened to a look of pure love.

 

At any other time Sara would have leaned in and kissed her deeply, but she did not trust herself to not lose herself and end up back in Nanda Parbat. She also could not bear to look at Nyssa's face knowing what she was going to ask the woman to do next. She pulled her into a hug, which Nyssa returned slipping her arms around Sara’s waist. For a moment, they both allowed themselves to relax into it, but then Sara pulled up her walls and said the words that she knew would hurt Nyssa more than any.

 

“Do what you have to,” Sara said. _Kill me._

 

Sara felt Nyssa tense in her arms as soon as the meaning of the words sunk in. Sara felt her hand move from around her waist to the sheath where Nyssa kept her dagger. Sara closed her eyes, waiting for the pain. It was strange, but Sara did not fear death at Nyssa's hand. Somehow, if it was her, it would be okay. But instead of plunging the dagger into Sara's heart, Nyssa simply pushed away from her angrily and stalked off, disappearing into the night. Sara was left with a racing heartbeat and hardly breathing as she felt the warmth of the woman she loved slowly fade.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_“Keep your staff up,” Nyssa said. “Do not start getting lazy now.”_

_Sara groaned but lifted her staff again. She wasn’t lazy, she wanted to argue. They’d been sparring for hours. She was exhausted. Nyssa on the other hand was barely sweating. Sara had to be impressed at her endurance._

_Immediately, Sara’s mind drifted as she considered ways to put that endurance to work. She shook her head and tried to dislodge the thoughts but it didn't work. She’d been lusting after Nyssa for the last couple weeks and it was starting to get problematic. Of course, it would have probably been easier to control if their only interactions didn’t involve them both sweating and panting and charged with adrenaline._

_Suddenly, Sara felt Nyssa’s staff hook behind her foot and send her crashing to the ground. Nyssa dropped her staff, slipped out the knife she carried in her boot and pressed it gently to Sara’s neck. Sara should have been more scared but all she could think about was how the other woman was straddling her and the warmth that she was starting to feel between her legs._

_“You should stop daydreaming, Sara,” Nyssa said, in that silky voice of hers. Sara almost told her to shut up because that voice was only making her situation harder to deal with. “Next time the person you are fighting might not be as lenient as I am.”_

_Sara grumbled and pushed Nyssa off of her._

_“May I inquire as to what is bothering you?” Nyssa asked and Sara froze._

_“What?”_

_“You have been more distracted as of late. I was wondering if there was something on your mind that maybe I could help with.”_

Oh you could help very much, _Sara thought, but did not voice her thoughts out loud, settling instead for shrugging. Nyssa exhaled and closed her eyes._

_“Alright, Sara. This is how it is going to be. Either you tell me what is bothering you right now, or we fight again. If you can do it without losing your focus I will accept your answer, but I will not have a distracted student.”_

_As she said this, Nyssa leaned forward so that she might get more of Sara’s attention but only succeeded in allowing her shirt to fall a little lower and show off a fair amount of cleavage. Needless to say, Sara was not really paying attention to Nyssa’s words._

 

_"Are you listening to me?" Nyssa snapped._

_Sare looked up quickly and found Nyssa’s face was actually a lot closer to her than she’d expected. Her eyes were steeled with frustration and her jaw was set and Sara could have sworn that she’d never seen anything more beautiful._

_Later she would say that it was because her brain was tired from all the sparring and not quite working right, or that it was the adrenaline and endorphins still running in her veins, or maybe it had just been temporary insanity. Sara surged forward and caught Nyssa’s lips with her own._

_Nyssa’s initial reaction was exactly as Sara had expected. The older woman tensed up and Sara prepared herself to be hit or pushed back or something. What she did not expect was for the other woman to relax and kiss her back. She did not expect her to bring her hand up and cup her cheek and she certainly did not expect it to be Nyssa’s tongue running along her bottom lip, begging her for entrance._

_She did not hesitate to grant it._


	6. Chapter 6

Sara stormed into the foundry with a rage of emotions battling in her chest ranging from anger to relief to sadness to loss to betrayal. She honestly didn’t know what to feel at that moment.

 

“The League is never going to let me go,” she said. “At least if I’m halfway around the world, then I can keep my family safe.”

 

She grabbed her bag, ready to start packing and move on to wherever she was going to go next.

 

“Wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Diggle said, as he came into the foundry. “Just got a copy of Laurel’s blood work. She tested negative for drugs.”

 

Sara frowned. Coming back to her sister’s alcohol and drug problem had been difficult for her. Laurel had always been the good one and Sara had always been the wayward one. It was hard to imagine her perfect sister slipping like that but Sara supposed that it happened to everyone. She was just glad that she’d been able to find her on time that night.

 

“So then why’d she collapse?” Sara asked.

 

Diggle sighed and looked at Sara pointedly.

 

“Because they found traces of snake venom in her blood from a Tibetan Pit Viper,” he said.

 

Sara exhaled and took the file from Diggle, looking at the results.

 

“Wait, so Laurel didn’t OD?” Felicity asked.

 

“She was poisoned,” Sara said, the pieces falling into place before Oliver could say it.

 

“She was poisoned by Nyssa who did it to draw you back here. And it worked.”

 

Any other time, Sara might have punched Oliver in the face for his accusatory tone of voice. She was the one who didn’t want to tell anyone where she was, to pass through town like a ghost. She'd known the consequences if she came back to her family. He was the one who had begged her to stay.

 

“My family is in danger,” Sara said.

 

She remembered the last night she’d spent home before all of this had happened. She’d betrayed her sister that night by going off with her boyfriend. The guilt for that act had been weighing on her for nearly six years. Now, her mere presence was going to get her own sister killed and the person doing the killing would be the woman she loved.


	7. Chapter 7

_To be honest, Sara was not sure when exactly she fell in love with Nyssa. They’d been sleeping together for weeks and Sara kept trying to convince herself that it was just lust, but she knew she was lying. What she’d felt for Oliver had been just lust. What she’d felt for all those other boys in high school had been just lust. What she felt for Nyssa was just …more._

_She couldn’t really find the words to describe it. She did know that she didn’t want to run away in the morning. She didn’t mind just lying there and cuddling. She liked that sometimes, once they’d finished, they’d lie there and Nyssa would run her fingers through Sara’s hair and just talk. Nyssa liked to tell stories after sex, her mind and body too awake for her to fall asleep, and Sara liked to listen. She loved it in fact. She wouldn’t have minded just hearing her stories without the sex every so often._

_When they were in training, Sara’s mind still drifted but it drifted to other places. Now that her sexual fantasies were somewhat fulfilled, she began to wonder what it would be like to take Nyssa on a date. What it would be like to sit down and watch a movie with her. What it would be like to tell her about her family and her childhood._

_Again, lost in her thoughts, Sara received a sharp blow to the back of her knee and ended up on the ground with Nyssa straddling her. Sara immediately reached up and pulled her into a heated kiss that Nyssa returned briefly before pulling away with a twinkle in her eye._

_“I am starting to think that you are allowing yourself to get knocked down, Ta-er Al Safer,” Nyssa whispered. “You enjoy this position to much.”_

_“I think you know exactly how much I enjoy it,” Sara said, her voice getting huskier. She felt Nyssa shiver against her and grinned despite herself. She pulled Nyssa into another heated kiss, allowing one of her hands to drift from Nyssa’s neck down her back and then once it reached the hem of her shirt, back up again against her skin. Nyssa’s hands also started to move on Sara’s stomach and then roaming upwards till brushing the bottoms of her breasts._

_Sara gasped into Nyssa’s mouth and then bit the other’s woman’s lip when she felt her grin. Nyssa slid her right hand higher and firmly, but gently rubbed the area where Sara’s nipple was under her shirt. Though Sara was wearing a shirt and a sports bra in between, she couldn’t help the moan that slipped from her teeth or the way her hips bucked upwards into Nyssa’s at the sensation. Nyssa gave her breast another firm rub causing Sara to really press her hips upwards, hoping for some sort of friction, but was only disappointed when the taller woman suddenly stood. Sara gasped at the sudden loss of contact and glared up at Nyssa._

_“You do not deserve rewards for bad fighting,” Nyssa said. “Up.”_

_Sara looked at Nyssa as she stood above her and pushed herself up onto her elbows. Nyssa looked beautiful right then, standing haughtily above her, staff in hand, denying her release with a knowing smirk on her lips._

_Again Sara would not know what made her do it. Again she’d say it was because her thoughts were muddled after kissing Nyssa. It was the adrenaline and endorphins from their sparring and their making out. It was temporary insanity._

_“I love you,” she said._

_Nyssa looked down at her and blinked once._

_“What?” was her response and Sara felt her cheeks grow hot. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think she should move. All she knew was that despite not having meant to say it in the first place, Sara did not want to take it back._

_Nyssa lowered herself back down so that she was kneeling in front of Sara._

_“Do you mean it? You’re not just saying that to get out of sparring?” Nyssa asked breathlessly._

_“What?” Sara said. “Of course not. I don’t just say those words you know. I’ve never said them to anyone before. I mean not in like a romantic way. I’ve said it to my mom and dad obviously and like friends, and yeah, maybe I did say it accidentally during sex once but –“_

_Sara’s rambling was cut short as Nyssa kissed her passionately. Sara responded and somehow it felt new. This wasn't then screwing around anymore. This kiss was passionate and intense but it was not overtly sexual. This kiss was only about love._

 

_When Nyssa pulled away, Sara nearly gasped at her expression. It was open and loving and beautiful, and it filled Sara's chest with warmth._ _  
_

 

_“I love you too, Ta-er Al Safer."_


	8. Chapter 8

Sara was on the back of Oliver’s motorcycle racing towards the van that held Sara’s mother and Nyssa. The moment they’d figured out that Laurel had been poisoned, Felicity had started checking up on all of Sara’s family members and had discovered that Dinah Lance had been taken. She found The League van already on the road and Oliver and Sara had been off in a flash.

 

As Oliver and Sara sped past the van, Sara used her sonic device to blow out the windows. It would make it easier for Sara to get into the car if there was no glass in her way.

 

Olive made a sharp turn and started to pursue the van. Sara saw Nyssa climb to the back and start shooting arrows at them with incredible speed and accuracy.  Oliver pulled a wheelie to avoid them getting hit and as soon as he got close enough to the van, leveled out, allowing Sara to jump onto the roof.

 

An arrow shot up through the roof, nearly skewering her and for a second she wondered if Nyssa hadn’t killed her on the rooftop just so that she could kill her someplace else. But she noticed that her usually accurate arrows were missing, always flying just slightly to Sara's left. It was only when she was on the edge of the roof, a little too late, that she realized that Nyssa had been pushing her to the side. She allowed herself to fall off and grabbed the window and planted her feet on the step of the door to support herself and looked into the van.

 

Her mother was lying unconscious, haphazardly thrown in the back of the van. Sara's eyes widened. Somehow she hadn’t believed it until right that second. She hadn’t believed that the woman she loved would ever injure anyone in her family. Instead of feeling anger or rage, she felt regret. She must have hurt Nyssa more than she'd thought for the other woman to want to go to such extremes. 

Sara tried to pull her mind back to what she was doing and figure out what her next move was, but before she even had a chance to look back up, Nyssa punched her in the face, sending her flying off the van. Nyssa had been right all those years before when she reprimanded her for getting distracted in fights. It would one day get her killed. 

 

She managed to stop her fall from being too damaging and then tried to run after the van, but it was already gone. 

 

Her mother was gone and if she died it would be her fault. Sara felt a frustrated scream rip from her throat. When had everything gone so wrong?

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

_Nyssa held onto Sara tightly as she sobbed._

_“I can’t do this, Nyssa,” Sara said. “I can’t do this.”_

_“Shhh,” Nyssa said, rubbing her hands up and down the girl’s back in an attempt to soothe her, but it wouldn’t work. As much as Sara loved Nyssa, those hands of hers were just as bloodied as her own, probably more. Sara wondered if Nyssa, having been raised in the League even understood what was making her cry._

_“Shhh,” Nyssa said again. Maybe she did, since she was not saying anything like ‘it’s okay’ or ‘it’ll be alright’ because it wasn’t and it wouldn’t be._

_Three hours before, Sara had killed her first man. She remembered what Oliver had said on the island, that when you killed someone it changed you and she shouldn’t have to bear that. She’d seen in his eyes a haunted, guilty look that she was nearly certain was now in her own. She wondered if it would ever go away._

_The man she’d killed was a drug dealer in Brazil. He’d been getting too powerful according to the League and they’d told her that her first assignment was to poison him with his own drugs, make it look like an overdose. She’d done extremely well. Too well for her liking. When had killing become easy?_

_She pushed away from Nyssa as her sobbing subsided._

_“Does it get better?” she asked._

_“I do not know,” Nyssa said. “I never had an issue with death.”_

_Sara scoffed and stood up off the bed trying to put some space between her and Nyssa. She was certain that she loved Nyssa, but right now she did not want to be near her or associated with her in anyway. She did not want it to seem like she was happy in any way._

_“You are going to have to do it again,” Nyssa said, a little more harshly than she probably intended. Sara could see that Nyssa was scared that she might lose her but couldn’t find it in herself to reassure her otherwise._

_“I’m not sure I can,” Sara replied._

_Nyssa’s frown deepened and her voice got soft and quiet._

_“My father will kill you if you don’t,” Nyssa said. “No, he will probably make me kill you. He does not approve of our relationship. He would think it a good training exercise to have me kill you if you betray him.”_

_Sara’s heart fell a little at the sound of Nyssa’s voice. It was small and broken and scared. She had never seen the other woman like that before._

_“Please, Sara,” Nyssa begged, looking Sara in the eyes. As always Nyssa’s dark brown eyes drew Sara in and she took a step forward so that she was close enough for Nyssa to grasp her hands. “Please Sara, if not to save your own life, then for me. I could not bear having to kill you. I love you,” and with those words Sara reached up and pulled Nyssa into a hug._

_“I will. I know I have to and I will. But I need you to be there when I’m done,” Sara said. “I can’t do this without you.”_

_Nyssa nodded into Sara’s hair._

_“I promise. I will always be there for you.”_


	10. Chapter 10

Sara met her father outside of the precinct. He looked harried but his expression still softened when he saw her face.

 

“Dad, I’m so sorry. It’s my fault,” Sara said.

 

“This assassin’s group that you’re a part of, they took your mother,” he said, angrily, obviously ready to fight.

 

“Not exactly,” Sara replied, bracing herself for what she had to tell him.

 

“Well, what exactly?” he asked, impatiently.

 

“A woman. Nyssa. She’s a powerful figure in the League. And she poisoned Laurel. She took mom.”

 

“To get you to come back to the League?” her father said, confused as to why it made a difference who had actually done the taking.

 

Sara took a deep breath and said, “To get me to come back to her.”

 

She watched her father’s face twist into confusion, and little bit of disbelief. He just stared at her for a second and she prepared herself for some sort of a angry retort but all he said was, “Oh.”

 

Sara was just searching for what to say to reassure him that she hadn’t changed, that she was still herself but before she had the chance, her phone rang.

 

“Nyssa,” she said, knowing exactly who was on the other line. “Don’t do this.”

 

It was a plea and a command at the same time.

 

“I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen,” the voice on the other line said. It was colder and angrier than Sara had ever heard it. It was hard to believe that this was the same voice that had whispered words of love in the mornings, and that had reassured her when she had felt the darkness creeping in. This voice belonged to someone made of iron and steel and rage.

 

“I thought it would be instructive for you to know what it feels like to suddenly lose someone you love. To have them ripped from your life with no warning.”

 

Sara wanted to beg Nyssa to stop making this harder for her than it was. She also wanted to apologize, to tell her that it wasn’t her she’d been running from, to tell her she loved her. But she was angry. Kidnapping her mother was a line that Sara had thought Nyssa knew better than to cross.

 

“You do not want to hurt my mother,” Sara threatened.

 

“You’re right. I don’t,” Nyssa shot back, her voice suddenly very business-like. “You have one day, Ta-er Al Safer. Make the right choice.”

 

Sara was ready to scream curses until her voice went raw, but the line died and she just breathed deeply instead.

 

“We have twenty-four hours."


	11. Chapter 11

_It had been a while since Sara had broken down like this. The killing had gotten easier in the last couple years. She’d learned to separate herself from what she was doing and to rationalize. The people she was killing were bad people. However skewed the League's approach was, their mission, to hunt down people they deemed to be a danger to society, was not a horrible one._

_But each of her kills still haunted her. She’s remembered them all, and this one would haunt her forever. She’d already cried her eyes out before getting back to Nanda Parbat. She didn’t want Nyssa to worry. Or maybe she didn’t want Nyssa to see her weak. She wasn’t sure which it was, so she’d cleaned her face and schooled her features into the blank mask that she always wore when returning from a mission._

_She pushed open the door to their room and found Nyssa sitting on the bed, reading a book. Nyssa had kept her promise and despite her own busy schedule had always managed to be there when Sara returned from a mission. Even when Sara had stopped crying at the end of every job, and even after Sara had stopped feeling like the guilt would kill her, Nyssa was always there._

_The older woman looked up from her book, a welcoming smile already spreading across her features but when she caught sight of Sara’s face it immediately fell._ Shit, I thought I’d done a better job at hiding it, _Sara thought._  
  


_“What’s wrong, Sara?” Nyssa asked. “Did the job not go off well? Did you not manage to get your target?”_

_It was always a fear for them because if Sara failed she would likely be killed or at least punished very harshly. Sara shook her head, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Nyssa closed her book and put it aside. She stood slowly, gracefully from the bed and just as slowly approached Sara, as if she was afraid the smaller woman would run._

_“Sara,” Nyssa said, “Please talk to me.”_

_Her voice was so soft, so kind, so loving. Sara wasn’t sure she deserved any of it. She was too dark, too far gone. Tears began to fall down her cheeks. Nyssa wiped them away and then pulled Sara into a hug, holding her against her chest as she started to sob. She held her for another hour before Sara finally was able to pull herself together._

_“What happened?” Nyssa asked. “You haven’t been like this in ages. Why was this one different?”_

_“He had kids,” Sara said, her voice low and raspy from the crying. “I slit his throat on his bed and his kids found him the next morning. I thought about my dad and I saw him dead. I imagined Laurel and I, still small, and we found him like that. What if that had happened? What if that had been us?”_

_Nyssa ran her fingers through Sara’s hair gently._

_“It wasn’t and your father was a good man. He would never have deserved something like this,” Nyssa said._

_“But the kids, Nyssa. They weren’t bad kids. They were innocent. Did they deserve to see that?”_

_“There is always collateral in our job,” Nyssa said._

_Sara couldn’t take it. She couldn’t hear it. She knew there was collateral. She had had to kill innocents before and she’d brought herself to believe that their deaths would benefit the greater good if her target was also dead, but these were children, for god’s sake._

_She pushed away from Nyssa._

_“They were children Nyssa,” Sara yelled back. “Kids! They didn’t deserve this. They shouldn’t have had to see it  and it’s my fault that they’re going to have to suffer with this memory for the rest of their lives.”_

_Nyssa just stood there silently._

_“He was a father,” Sara said, looking at the ground. “Whatever else he may have been, he was a good father. He had pictures of his kids everywhere and their paintings up on the fridge and he had framed the prize one of them got at a spelling bee. There’s no such thing as a purely evil man, Nyssa. These poor kids have lost their father.”_

_Sara leaned her back against the wall and slid down to the floor and put her head between her knees._

_“I’m not sure I can do this anymore,” Sara said for the first time in a long time. She heard Nyssa draw in her breath sharply._

_“I know, I know, I don’t have a choice,” Sara said, cutting off whatever Nyssa had been about to say. “But maybe killing these people so that I myself don’t die is selfish and wrong. Maybe I should just let your father kill me.”_

_Nyssa was at her side before Sara even had time to process that she’d moved. Sara looked up and saw Nyssa’s eyes. They were filled with something that Sara saw very rarely and nearly always when she talked about giving up: fear. She knew what was coming next, the begging and the pleading, trying to convince Sara to stay and Sara didn’t want to hear it so she grabbed the front of Nyssa’s shirt and pulled her in for a kiss._

_Nyssa kissed her back but Sara could feel tears running down the other woman’s face and for that moment at least, the guilt of killing a father was replaced with the guilt she felt at having caused this woman pain and for a little bit that would be enough to keep her alive._


	12. Chapter 12

“You know, you never did tell me how you met up with the arrow,” her father joked.

 

“Vigilante club,” Sara quipped back, knowing full well what Oliver would do if she revealed his secret.

 

“Same old Sara,” her father said with a laugh and then stopped himself. “Well, not exactly the same.”

 

Her father could have been referring to the fact that she was now an international assassin, but somehow Sara knew that wasn’t what he meant.

 

“I loved her, dad,” Sara said. _I still do._ But she couldn’t tell him that she was still in love with the woman who had poisoned his eldest daughter and kidnapped his ex-wife.

 

“Are you upset?” she asked. She knew her father would never push her away, especially after having just gotten her back, but that didn’t mean that he had to be happy with his daughter’s sexuality or her choice in women for that matter. He seemed to consider for a second whether or not he was actually upset.

 

“Honestly, Sara. To think what you’ve been through these past six years. The pain, the loneliness. I’m just happy to hear that you had someone that cared for you.”

 

Sara smiled up at her father. She was happy about that too, but sad that it was over now. 

 

Luckily, Oliver chose that moment to return with the assassin he had left to retrieve. Sara didn't recognize him but that was no surprise. The League had many members who she'd never laid eyes on.

 

She pulled out her bo staff and blocked the sword that he swung at her. The assassin dodged under Oliver's bow and raised his sword to block the swing of Sara's staff. Sara had to be impressed that he was capable of holding them both off. Of course, Nyssa would only choose the best people to accompany her on this mission. In the end, it was her father who delivered the final blow.

 

"What's the matter? They didn't teach you about right crosses in assassin's school?" he asked angrily and had the circumstances been different, Sara might have laughed. Instead, she stepped forward and pulled the man to standing, holding him in place with her bo staff.

 

"Where is Nyssa?" she shouted. 

 

"Where is my wife?" her father added, pointing his gun at the man's face.

 

The assassin started speaking in fast arabic.

 

"What's he saying?" her father asked. 

 

"He's praying," Sara said. Then, before she could stop him, he lifted a vial up to his lips and downed the poison that was inside. 

 

"No! Don't you...Don't you..." Sara said as he fell to the ground.

 

"Son of a bitch!" her father shouted at the assassin but he was already gone.

 

Sara had forgotten how loyal the people of the League were. She should have known that this wouldn't have worked in the first place. It had been a waste of time and Nyssa was probably laughing at her. She'd slipped up, spent too much time away from the League, and had forgotten what they would do for their mission. Once upon a time, she would have done the same.

 

Oliver picked up a vial and looked at it. 

 

"It's over detective. He's gone," he said.

 

Sara looked at the body in front of her. _Damn you, Nyssa,_ she thought. _I just want my mother back.  
_

 


	13. Chapter 13

_Nyssa was always so gentle with Sara. Well, not always. When they were sparring, she was anything but gentle, but she was also just trying to keep her alive and afterwards she would tend to each of her cuts and bruises with such tenderness and care that Sara didn’t even feel that there was anything to forgive._

_Now, she pressed a kiss into a bruise she had left on Sara’s ribs, just below her left breast. Her hands fluttered against the scar that Sara had received in her last mission, a long jagged line running down her thigh from a sword wound. Sara remembered how Nyssa had paled when Sara had been brought back covered in blood._

_Sara pulled at Nyssa’s shoulders to bring her up into a kiss and then started to run her hands down the other woman’s back pulling her closer so that their bodies were touching at ever point possible. She slipped one hand onto Nyssa’s ass and allowed the other to very softly, brush against the side of the taller woman’s breast. Sara felt Nyssa’s nipples harden against her chest and moaned when they brushed against her own._

_Nyssa responded by slipping her knee between Sara’s legs and pressing down into Sara’s center. Sara gasped and bucked her hips, trying to get more pressure. Nyssa grinned and then slipped her hands away from the scars on Sara’s sides and abdomen. One traveled up towards her right breast while the other travelled down to just above her thigh and then stopped._

_“Nyssa,” Sara groaned into the other woman’s mouth. “Please.”_

_Nyssa smiled but didn’t move her hand, instead focusing her efforts on her other hand, taking Sara’s nipple between her fingers and twisting ever so slightly. Sara groaned and bucked her hips up against Nyssa’s but Nyssa just pressed down with her own body, effectively pinning Sara. She moved her lips from Sara’s mouth and kissed across her cheek, behind her ear and then down her neck, nipping softly and gently as she went, each time eliciting a small gasp that could almost be called a squeak from the small woman under her. She sucked down on the other girl’s pulse at the same time that she ran her fingers against her nipple and with her other hand, started to gently, lightly draw circles on Sara’s hip with her finger tip._

_“Nyssa,” Sara pleaded. “Touch me. Now.”_

_Sara felt Nyssa chuckle against her neck. Nyssa was always gentle but that did not mean that she didn’t tease. A lot. Sara always figured she’d get used to it, build up a tolerance or something, but there was no way she could get used to the feeling of Nyssa moving against her body or the way her fingers seemed to know exactly what she wanted._

_“Patience,” Nyssa whispered. Though Sara couldn’t see the woman’s expression since her lips were still busy with her collarbone, Sara could hear the smirk in her voice and it pissed her off. All of a sudden, she grabbed Nyssa’s arms, planted one of her feet and using the technique that the older woman had taught her, flipped her easily over on the bed._

_To say Nyssa looked surprised was an understatement. Sara had always just suffered though the teasing, content as long as Nyssa was touching her._

_“I’m always patient,” Sara growled lowly. “I’m done being patient,” and she slipped her hand between Nyssa’s legs and used the heel of her palm to apply some pressure to the other woman’s clit. Nyssa let out a gasp that quickly turned into a groan as Sara began to move her fingers along her folds._

_She let out a steady stream of Arabic curse words that had Sara grinning from ear to ear. Nyssa was never particularly loud, her gasps and groans never reaching the same height as Sara’s did, but she did often mumble in Arabic whether it be curses, pleas, or just Sara’s name over and over and over again. When they’d first started sleeping together, Sara had not understood a word of it. Now, just hearing Arabic made her flashback to the two of them together and seeing how it was the main language spoken in the League, it was starting to be a problem._

_“You’re so wet,” Sara growled, lowering herself so that she could speak directly into her lover’s ear. “You really get off on teasing me, don’t you?”_

_Nyssa just sighed in response as Sara allowed one of her fingers to slip inside of her. Sara kissed the space right behind Nyssa’s ear and then slipped a second finger into Nyssa, watching as her dark brown eyes rolled back slightly. Nyssa started pressing her hips into Sara's hand as much as she could and Sara responded by thrusting slightly harder._

_Nyssa started to mumble under her breath again but this time it wasn’t curses. She whispered Sara’s name a couple times and then started to beg for more. Sara repositioned her hips so that they were behind her hand, allowing her to push in more deeply. She started circling Nyssa’s clit with her thumb. She took Nyssa’s right nipple into her free hand and twisted and pinched it, relishing in the feeling of Nyssa’s arousal growing._

_“Sara,” Nyssa said. “Look at me.”_

_And so Sara did, catching Nyssa’s eyes. She was always amazed that Nyssa’s eyes could actually get darker than they already were. It seemed impossible and yet, now Sara found herself drowning in the dark pools in front of her. She put a little more pressure on Nyssa’s clit and then it only took a couple more thrusts for Nyssa to fall apart underneath her._

_Her whole body tensed and Sara felt each of her perfectly developed muscles against her own body. Sara continued to move her fingers in Nyssa as she slowly came down from her high. Nyssa lifted her arms and pulled Sara against her chest._

_“Just give me a second,” she gasped and Sara grinned._

_“Take as long as you need.”_

_Nyssa curled her finger’s in Sara’s hair._

_“Never leave me,” Nyssa begged. It was not the first time she’d said this. Nyssa was always afraid that Sara, who still had ties outside of Nanda Parbat, would one day decide that it was enough and pack up._

_“Never,” Sara breathed and at that moment it felt like the truth._


	14. Chapter 14

Right on time, Sara’s phone rang and she brought it up to her ear.

 

“Time’s up,” Nyssa said. “Have you made your decision?”

 

 _Yes, but you won’t like it_ , Sara thought. She knelt in front of her own grave and nearly laughed at the morbidity of it. She wondered how many people had seen their own gravestones as they were planning their deaths.

 

“Let my mother go,” she said, trying to keep her voice even, “and I will return with you to Nanda Parbat.”

 

Nyssa’s relieved sigh on the other end of the phone almost made her reconsider what she was going to do, but she just tightened her grip around the little vial in her hand and steeled herself.

 

“You’re doing the right thing, Sara. For both of us.”

 

Nyssa hung up and Sara looked down at the small vial of poison in her hand.

 

_No, I’m doing the right thing for me, Nyssa. I’m sorry._

 

 Nyssa sent Sara the coordinates of her location and Sara called her father.

 

“Dad, I found mom. Meet me at the lower boatyards in thirty minutes and come alone. Don’t tell the Arrow.”

 

Having Oliver there would just complicate things. It might make her lose her resolve or Nyssa might kill him. Either way, she didn’t need him there.

 

“Copy that,” her father said.

 

Sara hopped on her motorcycle and rode over to the boatyards arriving just on time.

 

“You ready for this?” he asked her and she nodded. She let him go in first and he entered with his gun up, yelling, “Move away from her.”

 

Sara took the vial out of her coat pocket. She'd slipped it out of Oliver's pocket after he'd taken it from the assassin they'd defeated. That was the moment she had made her decision. Sara took a deep breath and tipped the viper poison back into her throat. It tasted foul but it didn't matter since she wouldn't be alive much longer to have to taste it. Steadying her breath, she walked into the warehouse after her father. 

 

Her mother was clutching at her father’s jacket as he held her protectively, gun still pointed at Nyssa. Sara watched as her mother slowly turned her head and caught sight of her. Dinah Lance’s eyes widened.

 

“Sara?” she said, not believing it was possible.

 

“It’s me mom,” Sara said, walking forward. It felt so good to have her mother see her alive again, she hated that it would be the last time. “It’s me.”

 

Her mom reached up and ghosted her fingers along Sara’s cheeks, checking to see if she was still there. When she’d come to the conclusion that she was, she pulled Sara in tightly saying, “My baby,” over and over again. Sara melted into her warm and familiar embrace and hugged her back tightly, but only for a second. She could feel the poison starting to effect her and she wanted her parents out before she collapsed. They didn’t have to see their youngest daughter die again.

 

“I love you so much, mom,” she said, her heart breaking as she saw her mother’s face begin to process what was going on. “I have to go.”

 

Her mom grabbed at her, trying to pull her in as Sara pushed her away. Her father slipped his arms around her mother, pulling her away.

 

“Dad, get mom out of here,” Sara said, the words tearing though her painfully. The world was starting to spin and her knees were starting to grow weak. She knew that she couldn’t stay upright much longer. Her mom’s cries echoed back to Sara, each one ripping a new hole in her heart as her father dragged her away.

 

Nyssa nodded at her, as if to commend her for her decision and in that instant, Sara hated her more than anything. This woman had poisoned her sister, kidnapped her mother, and was now forcing Sara to leave behind her family to go back to a life that she hated. But, nonetheless Sara took a step towards her, and another, and another, and then her legs gave out and she fell to her knees.

 

Nyssa, as always, was at her side in an instant, trying to help her back to her feet and then realizing that Sara was in no condition to stand, turning her so that she could look at her face. Their eyes met and Sara knew what Nyssa was seeing: golden flecks in her usually blue eyes.

 

“You took the poison,” Nyssa said. “No.”

 

And any hatred that Sara had felt for Nyssa vanished once again to be replaced only with guilt at the pain on her face as that one word slipped from her lips. Nyssa drew Sara into her chest as she had done so many times before and even though Sara had started to gasp for breath and even though she could barely see straight, she noticed how comfortably she fit in the taller woman’s arms.

 

As Sara started to let herself go, she heard Nyssa say “No,” again more loudly and then in a yell that pulled at every single one of Sara’s heartstrings. She’d never heard that much pain, fear or sadness in Nyssa’s voice. Nyssa held her tightly but gently as she had so many times before. Sara tried to explain that it wasn’t because of her. It wasn’t because of Nyssa that she was killing herself. It was because of everything else.

 

“I can’t go back. I can’t take the killing anymore. It needs to end,” she said, but Nyssa’s face, full of fear and pain and betrayal didn’t change.

 

“Sara!” her father’s voice called, pulling her only slightly back to consciousness.

 

 _Oh dad,_ she thought, _why couldn’t you have stayed away and just let me go? You could have pretended I was back with the League and you’d never have known any better._

 

“Delta Charlie Fifty-Two to Central. I need back up at the lower boatyards. Ambulance. Paramedics.”

 

Sara felt Nyssa lower her to the ground and step back and her hands were quickly replaced by her father’s trying to do something though he didn’t know what.

 

“If you want to be with your family so badly,” Sara heard Nyssa say, and her blood ran cold because she knew that voice. Nyssa was not messing around anymore. She no longer was holding onto hope that Sara would stay. She no longer cared what Sara or anyone thought of her. “They can join you in eternity.”

 

Sara was vaguely aware that at some point her mother had come back as well and was crying and holding her, but it was becoming hard for her to focus. She heard the click of her father’s gun and was vaguely aware of him threatening Nyssa. She tried to call out, to tell him it was useless, to tell him to run, though she knew that was useless too.

 

She heard her father’s gun fall and then heard the thump as his body followed and then the sound of a knife being pulled from a sheath and then, just as she was about to muster the last of her strength to do something, anything, she heard the clang of what she knew was an arrow knocking Nyssa’s knife out of her hand.

 

Oliver.

 

He might die trying to kill Nyssa or maybe he’d be lucky enough to escape with his life. Either way, it would give her parents a chance to escape. She heard the sounds of a fight and suddenly she was extremely worried, though she wasn't sure who for. Maybe both of them. She used the last of her strength to push herself up, ignoring her mom’s noises of protest and made her way over to where Oliver and Nyssa were grappling.

 

Oliver had Nyssa in a headlock that Sara knew Nyssa would not be able to break. Sara must have hurt Nyssa worse than she’d thought if Nyssa had let herself get caught like that. But Oliver was not holding back. He was completely cutting off Nyssa’s air supply. Much longer and she wouldn’t be breathing anymore.

 

“Don’t kill her, please,” Sara begged. She wanted to say more. _I can’t lose her. I love her. Please don’t take her. Oliver, she’s my everything._ But the last of her strength left her and the world went black.


	15. Chapter 15

_Sara screamed Nyssa’s name as she came. Nyssa’s strong arms wrapped around her, holding her steady as she came down from her high. Sara tried to arrange her thoughts, but the only word she could remember at that moment was her lover’s name._

_Nyssa. Nyssa. Nyssa._

_It played in repeat in her mind until her muscles relaxed and her breathing evened out. The other woman, pulled out of her and then slid her body down next to Sara’s._

_“I love you,” she whispered._

_“I love you too,” Sara said and the moment she did there was a flash of guilt through her chest that she couldn’t quite place._

_“We should sleep,” Nyssa said. “We have been up far too long.”_

_Sara nodded and pulled the other woman into her. It took only a few seconds for the other woman’s breathing to even out, but Sara could not fall asleep. Her every thought was with Starling City, with her parents and her sister. Were they alright? Had any of them died in the quake? Was her city burning?_

_It was too much, imagining and not knowing and it was the last straw. She had never wanted to be in the League. She’d hated the killing from the start, hated what she’d had to do. Now, she had a reason to leave, a real, pressing reason. She looked at Nyssa again and sighed. She loved her, but she couldn’t stay. Even if it broke her heart, she had to go._


	16. Chapter 16

Sara felt like she was drowning again. There wasn’t enough air in her lungs. Breathe, Sara, breathe. She sat up with a gasp as air flooded into her lungs. She was disoriented. Where was she? What was going on?

 

Someone, Oliver, she decided based on all the green leather, was holding her tightly. And when Sara looked down, she saw Nyssa standing on the deck below her looking at her with an expression Sara had never seen on her face before. What? What happened?

 

Then it came back to her. She’d taken the poison and had tried to kill herself rather then return to Nanda Parbat. The expression on Nyssa’s face was the one of someone whose lover had just tried to kill herself rather than be with her. Sara tried to find the words to explain that it wasn’t Nyssa. It was everything else. It was the League and the killing and her family, but never Nyssa.

 

But her brain wasn’t clear and all she could say was, “No more killing. Nyssa, please.” _Please understand. I can’t kill anyone anymore. I still love you but I can’t be with you. Please._

Nyssa just stared at her for a beat before, with tears running down her face and speaking as if the words were being wrenched from her with pliers, Nyssa said, “Ta-er Al Safer, in the name of Ra’s Al Ghul, I release you.”

 

Sara nodded, relief flooding through her body for half a second before the realization that Nyssa had let her go for good sank in. The woman she loved had let her go. She would probably never see her again. She had lost the only person that she had ever been in love with. She wanted to run to her and hold her in her arms and kiss her, but she knew that would mean also returning to the League. Instead, she just stared down at her, memorizing her every feature.

 

“Sara!” her father’s voice called out to her as he and her mother came running over and Sara looked away from Nyssa for a split second. When she looked back, Nyssa was gone.

 

“Are you okay?” her father asked, grabbing her hands and Sara’s mother pulled her into her arms. She tried to relish in the feeling of her family around her. Tried to tell herself that it was worth it, that this family was more important than Nyssa, but in the end she didn’t really believe it.


	17. Chapter 17

Sara felt Oliver grasping at her back and at her arms, trying to pull her closer. She tried to ignore the voice in her head telling her to stop, telling her that it wasn’t Nyssa. It felt all wrong. He wasn’t gentle. His lips were rough and his stubble scratched her chin and this wasn’t Nyssa. This wasn’t the woman that she had been sleeping with for the past five years. He wasn’t the woman she loved.

 

But he was enough. Just for that night and just to forget, he was enough.

 

He wasn’t as good as Nyssa. Sara doubted anyone was, but he was good enough that she could forget herself in him. She didn’t come, but when he did, he called out her name and that was enough for her to forget for a second what it felt like when Nyssa called out for her.

 

He fell asleep immediately when it was over. He didn’t pull her into his chest and play with her hair and talk to her until her eyes fell closed and she couldn’t stay awake anymore. He didn’t whisper that he loved her and press a kiss to her forehead. He didn’t pull the covers up over her shoulders and make sure she was comfortable.

 

He wasn’t Nyssa and that was good, because she didn’t need the reminder of what she’d lost. The sooner she could forget, the better it would be for her.

 

But she couldn’t forget. For the last five years, Sara had loved only Nyssa and every moment of true happiness had been with her. As Sara stared up at the ceiling of the Foundry, trying to fall asleep, the only thing she could picture was Nyssa’s face as she’d released her. She’d let her go.

 

“I love you,” she whispered to Nyssa, though she knew the other woman wouldn’t be able to hear her.

 

Oliver shifted next to her but didn’t wake.

 

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some people asked for a happy ending, but this just wasn't that kind of fic. Sorry for any tears I may have caused, and thank you for reading.


End file.
